Q: I just can't seem to get the girl-on-top position right…how would you go about doing it and not getting tired out?

I must admit, "female superior" has never been one of my favorite positions … but every so often, it has been really great. And there are some definite differences between "meh" and "mindblowing," technique-wise. Assuming you're starting from a kneeling position, here are a few tips for making things a little easier for yourself:

Have him sit up. If he's sitting up against the wall, or a pile of pillows, you can lean on him. Wrap your arms around his shoulders, so you can use your upper body strength to keep your balance and lift yourself up.

Rock back and forth. You don't have to bounce up and down the whole time … try sliding your hips back and forth, or side to side, or whichever direction you like, while letting most of your weight rest on his hips. It'll give your knees and thigh muscles a break.

Rest on your hands. Bend forward and put the palms of your hands on his chest, or on either side of his body, and hold yourself up that way for a while. (Or lean back and rest your hands on his legs …) This works really well in conjunction with the "sliding your hips back and forth" maneuver.

Hold hands. Grab hold of his hands, palm to palm, and hold them up in front of you … then lean on them a little, or pull against them to make lifting yourself up a little easier. So long as he doesn't go spaghetti-arms on you, this can be surprisingly helpful.

Get him to do some of the work! Really now, when he's on top, you don't just lay there like a blow-up doll, do you? I'm rather surprised how many men do just lay there like lumps while the woman's on top. Try putting his hands on your hips, and see if he's not suddenly inspired to help out a little more. Once he gets his hips moving a little, you can sync yourself to his movements, and use him like a springboard. ;-) (Works even better if he gets a little lifting action going with his hands.)

Q: How do I give a blow job?

I've actually had this question raised twice since my cunnilingus do's and don'ts post went up, so I've bumped it to the top of the queue …

So, you want to give good blow jobs? I'm going to start sounding like a broken record if I keep saying "pay attention to you partner's reactions" in all of my how-to posts, but that really ought to be at the top of any sex how-to list. And I assume pretty much everyone understands that fellatio involves putting your partner's penis in your mouth … That said, here are a few more specific tips, in no particular order:

No teeth. That point may change if you're with the same guy for a long time, and he trusts you and enjoys more intense stimulation, but for the most part you're just going to scare people if your teeth touch their penis. Practice making an "O" shape with your mouth while keeping your lips pulled in over your teeth.

Don't choke yourself. Sure, people make a lot of noise about deep throating, and it's a great little trick of you can manage to do it comfortably, but don't push yourself until you gag. If you can't comfortably get the man's penis all the way in your mouth, use your hand to squeeze the shaft of the penis while your mouth works on the head … much like I recommended men concentrate on the clitoris when going down, the glans of the penis is the most sensitive part for the man.

Keep things wet. Most lubricants taste like crap, so you don't really want to pump your hand full of lube when you start, but you definitely don't want to chafe any sensitive parts while you're down there. Saliva is your friend here. If you can take his penis all the way to the back of your mouth a few times, your saliva will naturally get a bit thicker, and therefore much more useful as a lubricant. But if you can't manage that without gagging, just work up some excess saliva one way or another, and spread it around with your tongue. And no, he won't mind if you drool on him a little here … ;-)

Spit or swallow, but make up your mind. While most men would certainly prefer you swallow, he's not going to be crushed if you spit. If you're going to spit, have a tissue handy before you start. If you're going to swallow, have a drink ready if the taste bothers you. Whichever you choose, just don't make a lot of faces or icky noises … nobody wants their partner acting like oral sex is some kind of disgusting "duty" they're barely tolerating. (Personally, I'd say swallowing is easier … no mess, no bother. Even if you think it tastes nasty, do you really want to have to swish it around in your mouth long enough to spit it all back out?)

You don't have to finish. If you're terribly worried about the spit or swallow thing, or if your jaw feels like it's about to crack, or you're getting a neck ache, or just really not enjoying yourself, stop. But stop nicely. Most guys are pretty understanding if you say your neck is getting sore … and I've found that climbing back up the guy's body and getting down to a little girl-on-top business usually works just fine. ;-)

Use your hands. Besides just squeezing the base of his penis, you can use your hand to fondle his testicles (be gentle though! they're quite sensitive!). Another good one: wrap your hand around his shaft, and keep your hand against your mouth as you slide your mouth all the way off his penis, squeezing your hand a little at the very top, then slide your mouth back down (lips against your hand) as far as you can (… and do make sure everything is nice and slick when you do it). Many guys seem to need a certain level of 'fast and hard' towards the end to orgasm, and that technique is a relatively easy way to go fast without worrying about gagging yourself or dislocating your jaw.

Pace yourself. You don't have to go all-out from the start. He's not going to mind if you familiarize yourself with the territory before getting serious about the grand finale. Play around a little. Listen to the noises he's making, and if he suggests something he'd like you to do, give it a try! When he's acting really excited, or actually says he's getting close to orgasm, then you can start on the 'fast and hard' (or whatever it is that really seems to get him going).

You have a tongue, so use it. You don't have to do a Deep Throat impersonation the whole time, or pretend you're a Hoover vacuum. See if you can swirl your tongue in a circle around the head of his penis. Flicker your tongue against the skin just below the underside of the head. Lick up and down the entire shaft a few times. Find out what he really likes, and do it a while longer. Playing with your tongue is a great way to take a break from the head-bobbing action if your neck is getting a little tired.

Let him watch. You might be worried about how you'll look while you're performing fellatio, but the man on the receiving end is not going to be critiquing your hairdo, believe me. Leave a light on (even just a candle, if you're feeling shy), and kneel between his legs so he can look down at you while you're doing it. Look up at him once in a while too, and make a little noise to show you like what you're doing.

Have fun with it. No matter what your level of skill, the guy will enjoy it more if you're enjoying yourself too. Go ahead and use some whipped cream or chocolate syrup if it sounds like fun, go down on him in the shower, or try the 69 position some time. Giving head isn't all about being a hard core blow job queen … any kind of sex is best when everyone's having fun!

Q: How do I give a woman oral sex? What do they like?

There's never a truly universal answer to a question like that … as soon as I say "and they definitely DON'T like THIS", someone will pop up and beg to differ. However, there are a few general hints that will at least get you started on the right track. Then if you meet a woman who really wants you to bite her or something, feel free to get creative. ;-)

Do know your anatomy. The clitoris is what you're going for here. 3DVulva.com can show you the way if you're in doubt. However, do also keep in mind that not all women like direct clitoral stimulation. If your partner squirms away a little, or says "ouch" or anything, try a new angle … off to one side, or on the clitoral hood instead of the actual clitoris itself.

Don't act like a kid with an ice cream cone. Some full-contact licking is nice here and there, but the tip of your tongue is your real weapon of choice in this endeavor. Practice this on your own: try to flicker the tip of your tongue up and down rapidly against your fingertip, without losing contact. The longer you can keep going, the better.

Do shave first (unless you have a full beard). Sandpaper is not a woman's friend down there, and having to worry about whether or not you're giving her stubble burn while simultaneously paying attention to what your tongue is doing is just going to stack the cards against you from the start.

Don't use your teeth. Men ask the same thing of women … quid pro quo.

Do use your hands. The g-spot is not a myth. There is an area along the top of the vagina (if the woman is laying on her back), about halfway up the vaginal wall, that is a definite hot button for many women. Using a finger in a "come here" motion in that area can be quite the bonus maneuver for some women … other women find it a bit overwhelming, but might still quite enjoy 'straight' digital penetration.

Don't make faces or unpleasant noises. A lot of women are really concerned about how they smell or taste … and this is definitely the time to remember Mom's advice: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." This is probably the #1 reason some women are uncomfortable getting oral sex. If there is genuinely a problem in this department, during cunnilingus is definitely not the time to talk about it. (On the other hand, making comments about how good the woman smells or tastes is a definite Do!)

Do tease a bit. Start out slow and soft. You don't have to go straight for the clit right at the get-go. Build a little suspense by tickling the whole area with your tongue first. Get everything wet, and get her good and turned on. Then go for the jackpot.

Don't worry if she doesn't have an orgasm from cunnilingus. If you're new at it, or she's a little nervous about it, the big O probably won't happen. While meeting a man who can give you an orgasm orally is a truly wonderful thing, oral sex also a fantastic bit of foreplay (or a very very nice intermission!) even without the grand finale.

Do give her some control. Unless you're playing bondage games, letting your partner move around while you're going down benefits both of you. She knows where it feels best, so let her show you. Pay attention and you'll notice where she moves her legs and how the wiggles her hips, and you'll pick up some hints about her favorite angles and positions.

Don't be afraid to ask. The quickest way to learn what someone likes is to ask them. Hopefully, your female partner is open enough to tell you when she does or doesn't like something, so feel free to ask her if there's anything in particular she'd like you to do … although you can still learn a whole lot just by paying attention to the way she reacts to what you're doing, if one or both of you is too shy to discuss it.

As with anything, all women are different. Some like harder, more direct clitoral stimulation, some like a more gentle approach … some women would be happy if their partner did nothing but cunnilingus all the time, some women prefer it as a foreplay-only activity … some women orgasm easily via oral sex, some women will never come that way. Just experiment, pay attention, and practice, practice, practice!

An anonymous visitor submitted the following comment, in response to my answer to Average Penis Size, don't worry about it. I thought it raised some good points, and deserved a proper response:

Dear Miss Sex Advice,

You missed the mark when you told the 11 year old not to worry about
his penis size. Sure, you told him the answer every text book says. But the thing is, at his age, it's the *only* think he worries about. And with all the viagra commercials and emails around, it's no wonder.

What you didn't tell him, was that even when he gets older, penis size doesn't matter one lick. The truth is: women don't care about the size of a penis. Bigger is not necessarily better no matter what the kids in the locker room say or the hundreds of emails in the email box.

Just thought I'd write in with that little tidbit.

While I fully agree that "bigger is not necessarily better," I'm afraid I can't get behind "women don't care about the size of a penis," and I feel I'd be doing the kid who originally asked a disservice to feed him one of the oldest and most misleading lines in the book. Like I said in the first question asked on the site, women do care about penis size. I am a woman, and I have known a lot of women in my life, and almost all of us care about penis size. We're like Golidlocks and the Three Bears: some are too big, some are too small … but the good news is that most of them are well within the range of "just right". And the even better news for you guys is that every woman has a different standard of too big, too small and just right, so there's plenty of options out there for everyone.

Sure, an 11 year old boy is going to worry about whether or not he's normal size no matter what anyone says … just like I worried about whether or not I'd ever grow tits when I was 11. That part is normal, and I think the best answer for a boy worrying about his penis size is the same as the best answer for a girl worrying about her breast size: You're too young to know what size it/they will be when you grow up, and no matter what size it/they end up being, it will work out fine. Some guys really like big tits, some guys prefer small ones, and some guys don't give a good goddamn. So it goes with women and penises: Some of us like 'em big, some of us prefer smaller ones, and some women really don't care.

Q: I'm an anal virgin, so to speak. Can you really lose muscle control if you have lots of anal sex? It would be embarrassing to have "accidents" if you had no control. Also, is it recommended to have an enema before you engage in it? The idea of a feces covered penis isn't too arousing to me.

Both good questions … First off, if you're careful not to damage the anal sphincter muscle, you shouldn't experience any loss of bowel control no matter how much anal sex you have. Like any other muscle, the anal sphincter can be stretched and exercised to accommodate and compensate for quite a lot of activity. ;-) However, it is possible to damage the muscle if you're not taking reasonable precautions, and if the sphincter is damaged, it can lose a degree of function. So, to avoid that, just keep the following things in mind:

1. Lube is your friend. Oh yes, yes it is. You'll want to use a fairly thick lubricant that doesn't lose its "slip" too quickly (forget KY jelly … it's not fit to be used for anything but medical exams). If you're using a latex condom or latex toy, don't use an oil-based lubricant. If you're using any other sort of toy, make sure your lube is compatible with the toy material. You can test a small amount of your lube on the base of the toy, and see if there's a reaction (low grade silicone toys, for instance, can degrade when used with silicone lubricant). I personally use glycerin-based lube, but some women find glycerin can trigger yeast infections … ick! A lot of lube companies make sample-size packets, so try a few different brands out until you find one you like.

2. Take it slow. If you try to penetrate quickly, especially your first few times, it will be really uncomfortable. Stretching the sphincter muscle too fast will cause a truly unbearable burning sensation. This is actually why you should NOT use a "numbing" lube, even though they're commonly marketed for anal play … pain is a warning sign of potential muscle or tissue damage, so you definitely want to be fully aware of it.

I'd actually recommend buying a small dildo or butt plug, and trying it on yourself a few times before trying full anal penetration with your partner. Or, if your partner is game, practicing with a lubed-up finger is also a good way to "ease" into things, without risking pain or muscle damage … and it's a great enhancement to oral sex, for both male and female recipients!

3. Relax. Learning to relax the anal sphincter at will is the biggest thing to master at first. It can help if you "push" against the toy (or finger, or what have you) as it penetrates, because pushing encourages the sphincter muscle to open. Once a small toy or finger is no longer a challenge, relaxing enough to enjoy regular anal sex or larger anal toys shouldn't be any problem at all.

If you're still at all concerned about loss of muscle tone or control, the Kegel exercise is not only a great way for women to build greater vaginal muscle control, but it also tones your anal sphincter muscle as well. If you're not familiar with how to do a Kegel, just squeeze your pelvic muscles as though you're trying to "hold it" when you really have to pee … you'll notice your anus tightens along with everything else. A few Kegels a day, and any lingering worries about bowel control are history.

Now … as for enemas. Personally, I prefer using a small enema (also known as an anal douche) beforehand, for exactly the reason you mention. I also recommend using a condom for convenience as well as disease prevention. I even use condoms on my toys for anal play. Clean up afterward? Toss the condom, give everything a good once-over with a genital-friendly anti-bacterial cleaning wipe (Regular hand cleaning wipes might be too harsh for sensitive areas, and baby wipes smell like … well … baby wipes. Not too sexy, IMO.), and you're done. Unless you're playing in the shower (or you are turned on by the mess), I think "preventative hygiene" is definitely the way to go.