Archive for the 'Hetero-Sex' category

5 Tips for a Sexual “Novice”

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Q: Before i was with my current girlfriend, I’d only had sex 4 times. Any pointers for overcoming a lack of experiance? (not nessicarally “tricks” but things to consider, or things to keep in mind)

sex ed 101
Hmm. Well, I’d say the most important thing is to pay attention to your partner. It’s pretty easy to get carried away with how things feel for you, and not always notice how she’s reacting to what you’re doing. While you may both still be having loads of fun, there’s no substitute for knowing what she really enjoys, and there’s no way to learn that without paying attention! Here’s a few ideas:

• What kind of noises does she make when she gets close to orgasm? (Or does she get really quiet?) Listen when you change positions and see which ones seem to excite her most. It might also be a question of tempo; does she prefer it when you speed up or slow down? (You don’t have to only do her most favorite things, but it’s always good to know what they are so you can use them at the right time!)

• Is she forward enough to just tell you what she likes? If so, count yourself lucky! If she blurts out something like “Oh god yes, don’t stop,” you can safely take that as a hint.

• Read, read, read! There may be no substitute for hands-on experience, but book learning has its place too. A straightforward, well-researched book like “Our Bodies, Ourselves” will teach you a lot of solid fundamentals about female anatomy and sexual response. As much as sex is a matter of personal preference, knowing where nerve endings are particularly concentrated and having a good idea of what a lot of other women have to say about their own sexual experiences will give you a good idea of new things to try, and a better understanding of how it all works.

• If you talk about sex (and you should!), pay attention to how she reacts to different topics. She might be shy about saying no, but you’ll definitely be able to tell if she’s lukewarm about something. Go with the things that really interest her, don’t push the things that don’t, and you’ll establish trust that may lead to more adventuresome activities in the future.

• Some women enjoy pornography or erotic literature, some don’t. If she’s open to that sort of thing, it’s a great way to explore new ideas that interest you both. Again, just pay attention to what interests her most, and what seems to leave her cold.

There are very few things in life more fun than having a sex partner who’s turned on by turning you on, and the more you can do to become that kind of partner for her, the more she’s likely to do to return the favor.

5 Sexual Misconceptions About Women

Q: What do you think are the biggest sexual misconceptions men have about women?

5 Sexual Misconceptions About Women
Ooh, that’s a tough one. I very much hate to frame any answer on this site according to “men” and “women” as general groups, because there is really no generalization you can make about either group that’s going to be accurate across the board, except perhaps “both men and women have a large concentration of nerve endings in their genital areas.” (Even an assertion as seemingly safe as “men have penises, women have vaginas” would raise some eyebrows in the transgender community.) That said, you asked, so I’ll try to come up with a somewhat useful answer, and I do love making lists, so here goes …

1. Men Who Don’t “Need” Directions … Some men I have met, who were numerically much more experienced than I was, had serious gaps in their understanding of women’s sexual anatomy. A major pointer: The clitoris is outside the woman’s vagina. Assuming you have no problem finding the vagina: If a woman is laying on her back, the clitoris is a rather obvious “bump” perhaps an inch above the vaginal opening. It is covered by a fold of skin, right where the inner labia join together. 3Dvulva.com has a nice diagram of the area.

2. Nice Girls Don’t [insert sex act here] … Give blow jobs? Have anal sex? Enjoy sex in general? This is not a solely male misconception … sadly, a lot of women believe they either won’t or shouldn’t enjoy certain things, without having given themselves a chance to even try them first. Often times politically-minded “socially aware” men and women are as much at risk of this one as more stereotypically repressed religious folks. However, I have plenty of “nice” female friends who very much enjoy all sorts of sex acts. It can’t hurt to ask, or suggest, something you’d like to try with your partner. (And if she leaves you for even suggesting it, well, perhaps she’s not really the girl for you?)

3. Women Need Someone to Take Charge in the Bedroom … Well sure, some of us like that. Some of us don’t. Some of us like that sometimes, and not other times. And some of us might like it very much, but only from men who don’t go around making ridiculous overly-dominant assumptions about it beforehand. Not every girl wants to be swept off her feet and carried to Prince Charming’s castle. Some of us would just as soon follow on our own horse, in case we decide we’d like to leave afterward. And we most assuredly do NOT “just need the right man to show us our place.”

4. Women are naturally monogamous … This assumption is often backed up by a pseudo-scientific speech about cavemen, and how men “need” to spread their genetic material as far and wide as possible, while a woman will naturally try to attract and “keep” one man who can support and protect her and her offspring. This is crap. I personally like to think of monogamy as being a variable, individual thing, rather like the popular conception of hetero- and homo-sexuality being two points at opposite ends of a continuum of sexual preference. There are people (both men and women) who are like swans: pair bonded until death do they part. There are people (both men and women) who are like bonobos: Anything goes with anyone you like, whenever, where-ever, whatever. There are people who like one partner at a time, but not for very long. And people who like multiple partners as a “bonus” sort of thing to enjoy with their primary partner … and so on, and so forth.

5. If You “Keep it Up” Long Enough She Will Come … No, she very well may not. A woman not having an orgasm does not necessarily mean you’re not big enough, or didn’t last long enough. It may very well mean you need to go up and revisit item #1 on this list, and develop your technique beyond “in and out and in and out” though… I once knew a woman who claimed to have dozens of orgasms every time she had sex. I thought perhaps she didn’t know what an orgasm was (or maybe that her boyfriend was Superman), until I talked to one of her former partners, who verified that she did indeed “seem like she had an orgasm every minute or so.” So yes, some women are lucky enough to be able to orgasm from their partner’s pelvic thrusting alone, but it’s generally not the norm. My advice? Skip the Viagra and get creative.

Does Size Really Matter? A perpetually penetrating question.

Q: Does size really matter?

does penis size matter
As this question appears on pretty much every sex Q&A column I’ve ever read, it seems fitting it would be our first query here at Things You Can’t Ask Mom. And the answer is, yes, it absolutely does. Of course it does! Men come in all different sizes, right? Well, newsflash folks: so do women. I fail to see where anyone gets off saying “no, size doesn’t matter” … unless they’re just not very experienced, or they have the vaginal muscle control of an advanced tantric master.

Yes, almost any woman can both give birth and keep a tampon in place inside her vagina, amazingly elastic, versatile things that they are. However, childbirth is not something most women would choose to do recreationally, and tampons are so small as to become unnoticeable to most women within a few seconds after insertion … neither of these extremes is something you want your penis compared to, I’d think.

But here’s the deal: there is a great deal of latitude in the size range within which a penis will be perfectly capable of satisfying most women. Bigger is NOT always better. While I do I know one woman who dated a man with a 12″ cock and said it was the most wonderful thing she’d ever had, that very same man, years later, dated another female acquaintance, and was physically unable to penetrate her more than half way. I have personally been with men with whom certain otherwise favorite positions were tragically off limits because it felt like they were trying to play billiards with my ovaries: not pleasant at all. Then there are some women who enjoy having their cervix bumped during sex, and other women who are so sensitive they’d rather be with a man who can’t penetrate them fully.

In a way, men on the smaller end of the scale are actually the luckier ones. Even a very small man with an open minded partner might find that a combination of toys, anal sex and creative positions more than makes up for less-than-earth-shaking vaginal penetration. In my own experience, a smaller partner can accomplish great things with a combination of stamina and mutual flexibility! (Maybe someone should start couples yoga classes especially for ‘petite’ men and their partners?) A man who’s partner can’t fully accommodate him, on the other hand, is pretty much either stuck with never being able to stick it all the way in, or with finding another woman.

So, in short, yes. Size matters. But different sizes matter differently to different women, for different reasons. Looking at my ruler right now, I’m estimating a good 4″ range between the lower and upper end of men who had no particular problem getting me off … the lower end involved a bit more acrobatics, and the upper end had to forgo doggie-style, but that still leaves a lot to be done in both cases. I’m wagering the vast majority of men aren’t going to have much problem finding a woman who’s personal size preferences are a perfect match.