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threesomes…how? it just doesn't make sense to me.

Goodness, I wish you'd been more specific! So, I'll assume you're asking how a threesome works physically. Considering you can have three women, three men, two men and a woman or two women and a man, the positions possible in all four combinations are … well, very very numerous.

I'll just try to do a basic, vague rundown of different ways a threesome could work … let's assume that any same sex participants are either bi or gay, and that strap-ons and other toys are acceptable to everyone involved …

• The participants can take turns having one-on-one sex, while the third person watches
• If a woman is involved the other two participants can penetrate her simultaneously vaginally and anally (double penetration, or DP, is hugely popular in porn movies)
• Person A can penetrate person B anally or vaginally, while person B performs oral sex on person C.
• Person A can perform oral sex on person B, while person B performs oral sex on person C, and person C can perform oral sex on person A … is your head spinning yet?
• All three people can give each other hand jobs.
• Person A can penetrate person B while person B penetrates person C
• Two people can simultaneously perform oral sex on the third person, while giving each other a hand job …

… and the list goes on. Really, the possibilities are probably only limited by your imagination and everyone's level of open-mindedness. If you're curious, and you're in a relationship, you could mention the idea to your partner and see if s/he might be interested in trying a threesome with you. If you're single, and interested, personal ads (both in newspapers and online) often feature ads from couples seeking a third partner.

Porn star Nina Hartley has created a great line of "how to" videos for all sorts of sexual activity, including boy-boy-girl threesomes and girl-girl-boy threesomes. Her instructional videos are not only fun to watch, the information is a lot more helpful and realistic than you'd get from most orgy or threesome porn. If you're curious about trying a three-way (or just want to know "how that works"), I'd recommend them!

Q: I have noticed in all personal sites on the internet that a majority of men are married or are seeking partners for receiving anal.These types are "real men", mostly blue collar workers and straight as you can get. My question is why are so many men turning to male sex while married and why do they prefer the subordinate role in anal sex?

As the inimitable Dan Savage says: "Straight guys like dick." Really. A lot of them do. Look at most mainstream porn, for instance: The woman is most often just an accessory to the cock. I'd bet if you counted the scenes of actual sex in most porno movies, you'd find that 90+% of them had some guy's dick as the centerpiece of the shot.

Also consider the amount of time guys spend playing with their own dicks … and the number of guys who have "secret" circle jerk or blowjob stories from childhood (If you doubt the frequency of homosexual activity among teens and young boys, check out Shere Hite's Hite Report on Male Sexuality some time!)

So, what does all that have to do with married men trying to find anal sex through online personal ads? Let's take this in two parts, since it was kind of a two part question:

Why men would want to take the subordinate position in anal sex:

• One big consideration is the prostate gland. Women don't have one, but men do, and it feels really good to have your prostate stimulated. In fact, it feels so good that many men can orgasm through anal penetration alone, without even touching their penises (not to say a reach around wouldn't feel good too, I'm sure).
• Prostitutes report that men who occupy positions of power in daily life often enjoy submission fantasies in the bedroom. If a man is the dominant partner in his marriage and/or work life, it might really turn him on to have someone else "put him in his place" sexually.
• If a man enjoys having anal sex with his wife, he might be curious as to how it feels to be on the receiving end.
• All in all, there's also the same reason a woman would allow a man to have anal sex with her: Receiving anal sex feels good, whether or not you have a prostate gland. There are a lot of nerve endings around the human anus, and if you're careful not to push things too quickly right at the beginning, it can feel really really fantastic to have all those nerve endings stimulated.

Why a married man would look outside his marriage to get anal sex:

• A lot of men still have the whole "virgin/whore" issue with how they see woman. Some of these men might be horrified by the idea of "defiling" their virginal wives by asking them to do something as perverse as wearing a strap-on. (Pathetic, but true.)
• There are closed-minded, homophobic, sexually repressed women in this world too, and some of these men might be married to them. Instead of risking their wives' ridicule, or having her think, "Oh my god, my husband is gay," finding another man for a few secret liasons might seem much much easier. (Sad, but true.)
• Some of these men might be married to perfectly understanding, adventurous women who'd be happy to butt-fuck their hubbies, but the men themselves might be so freaked out by the idea of anal sex that they're afraid to say anything to a woman they actually care about, and would rather act out their "perverse" fantasies with some anonymous man they don't have to respect or talk to in the morning. (Sad, but true.)
• Some of these men might be bisexual or actually gay … so even if their wives did wear a strap-on, it wouldn't be the same as having a big, manly pair of hands grabbing their hips while they got pumped. (Even sadder … for the wife and the husband.)

And of course, some of these men might just be in an adventurous, open relationship, where both partners are free to pursue whatever tickles their fancy, and there's no sneaking infidelity going on in the first place. All in all, the twists and turns of human sexual proclivities know no bounds … I'm sure at least one of the guys you're talking about has a story you or I could never even imagine.

Ain't it great?

Q: What are some standing-up sex positions? I am a girl, and my boyfriend is strong enough to lift me up for long amounts of time…but I need some options, here.

Well, first I wrote down all the standing positions I could think of, and then I went looking for other sources, to see if I missed anything. I was hoping there were more standing sex positions than I'd come up with, but human anatomy has its limitations, and it seems my imagination was equal or better than any of the reference sites I found.

I'm pretty sure any other positions would involve serious contortionism, but if you do come up with any others that work, please leave a comment on this post and share them!

Naturally, any of these positions that involve both parties standing (hands or feet) on the ground will have issues with your height relative to one another. No worries though … if you have a staircase handy, or a small footstool or step ladder, most height problems can be resolved pretty easily!

So, without further ado: Four standing sex positions, with variations:

1. "Evolved Dog" or, Rear-Entry Probably the most obvious and perhaps most common of the standing sex positions, this one has a lot of different names. I like "evolved dog," because it's just doggy style standing on two legs … *cymbal crash* … Anyhow, the idea is that the woman stands with her back to the man, bends over to some degree, and he enters her from behind. Also works great for anal penetration.

   Variations: Put one leg up on a stair step, or stool, or chair, to change the angle of penetration. Lean over a counter top or kitchen appliance … or whatever else is handy. Lean against the wall. Don't lean on anything, and have the rear partner hold your hips, then reach back and hold his wrists.

2. "Tango" or, Face-to-Face, supported The basic position here is a couple standing facing each other, the woman's arms around the man's shoulders/torso, with one of the woman's legs raised, to facilitate penetration. Great for couples who want to hug and kiss during sex … or listen to tango music.

   Variations: The man can stand in front of a chair or ladder, so the woman can support her leg by resting her foot on it. The man can lift the woman's leg for her, by hooking his arm under the crook of her knee (generally also resting his hand on her buttocks … or could be manually stimulating her anus). The woman could stand with her back to the wall, bend her leg sharply, and brace her foot on the wall. The woman could stand on a stair step or small platform, and wrap her leg behind the man's leg (since raising the leg wouldn't be necessary).

3. "Carrier" or, Face-to-Face, suspended This is probably the group of positions you were thinking of when you mentioned the fact your boyfriend could hold you up. The basic position is facing each other, with the woman's arms around the man's shoulders, and her legs around his waist. The man helps support the woman with his hands under her buttocks.

   Variations: Resting the woman's back against a wall can help support her weight. If the man stands in front of a wall, the woman can brace her feet on the wall to help with thrusting. The man can hook his elbows under the woman's knees to change the angle of penetration. If the man's arms start getting tired, he can move to where the woman can sit on a counter-top or table, while he remains standing. Flexible women might be able to rest their legs on their partner's shoulders, for maximum penetration depth.

4. "Wheelbarrow" or, some kind of fucked-up handstand Remember the "wheelbarrow" game when you were a kid? One kid had their hands on the ground, and the other kid picked up their legs at the knees, like wheelbarrow handles, and walked them around on their arms. Fast forward (quite) a few years, take off your clothes, and get the person holding up your legs to take a step or two further forward, and you have the Wheelbarrow standing sex position. Your arms are in push-up position, and your man stands behind you, holding you up by the hips, while you wrap your legs around his lower back. Sort of a modified standing position, since he's the only one on his feet, but there you go.

   Variations: The woman could rest her elbows on a bed, couch, etc. The man could kneel on the bed, with the woman on the floor in front of him. Both partners could move up onto the bed, with the man kneeling and the woman resting on her elbows, or laying on her chest. The woman could lay on her back, resting on her shoulders, on the bed, while the man stood next to the bed, holding up her hips.

Honorable Mention: Vertical 69 Just what it sounds like … the woman wraps her legs around the man's shoulders, and her arms around his hips. He holds her up by wrapping his arms around her waist. They perform oral sex on each other. Or at least they try to, for as long as the woman can hold on without blacking out or getting a serious headache.

Q: I looked on an adult toy web site and I don't understand the purpose of a butt plug. Why would someone want to plug their butt?

Well, first off, for the most part people who use butt plugs aren't actually trying to plug their butts. (Unless, of course, there's some kind of kinky Dom-sub bowel control game going on … but let's forget about that idea for now, and get down to basics.)

There are a hell of a lot of nerve endings in and around the human anus, which can feel really good when rubbed on. For men, there's the added bonus of the prostate gland located along the forward wall of the rectum, right where it can be stimulated by anal penetration. For those who can let go of society's taboos surrounding their posterior orifice, putting things in one's butt can be very pleasurable. And that brings us to butt plugs.

Dildos are fine and dandy for anal stimulation, unless you want to take your hands off the toy and do something else for a while, such as receiving or giving oral sex, having vaginal sex, or what have you. Dildos tend to slip out, sometimes quite suddenly, when the anal sphincter contracts (as it does when you have an orgasm)*. Even worse, dildos without flared bases can slip all the way in to the rectum, sometimes requiring medical assistance for removal. (If you don't want to use a butt plug, always buy dildos with flared bases, often advertised as "harness compatible", for anal play. Or use specialty anal toys with strings or handles for easy removal.)

Butt plugs are shaped with a flared base, narrow neck, and large "head", so they can't slip all the way into the rectum, and can also be held in place by the sphincter muscle to prevent sudden ejection. They allow users to enjoy "hands free" anal stimulation while they're enjoying other sexual (or non-sexual) activities.

*Bad Idea: Using a dildo anally while having missionary position vaginal sex. Butt plugs, on the other hand, will not eject suddenly, and strike your male partner with great force in the scrotum when you have an orgasm.

Q: I'm an anal virgin, so to speak. Can you really lose muscle control if you have lots of anal sex? It would be embarrassing to have "accidents" if you had no control. Also, is it recommended to have an enema before you engage in it? The idea of a feces covered penis isn't too arousing to me.

Both good questions … First off, if you're careful not to damage the anal sphincter muscle, you shouldn't experience any loss of bowel control no matter how much anal sex you have. Like any other muscle, the anal sphincter can be stretched and exercised to accommodate and compensate for quite a lot of activity. ;-) However, it is possible to damage the muscle if you're not taking reasonable precautions, and if the sphincter is damaged, it can lose a degree of function. So, to avoid that, just keep the following things in mind:

1. Lube is your friend. Oh yes, yes it is. You'll want to use a fairly thick lubricant that doesn't lose its "slip" too quickly (forget KY jelly … it's not fit to be used for anything but medical exams). If you're using a latex condom or latex toy, don't use an oil-based lubricant. If you're using any other sort of toy, make sure your lube is compatible with the toy material. You can test a small amount of your lube on the base of the toy, and see if there's a reaction (low grade silicone toys, for instance, can degrade when used with silicone lubricant). I personally use glycerin-based lube, but some women find glycerin can trigger yeast infections … ick! A lot of lube companies make sample-size packets, so try a few different brands out until you find one you like.

2. Take it slow. If you try to penetrate quickly, especially your first few times, it will be really uncomfortable. Stretching the sphincter muscle too fast will cause a truly unbearable burning sensation. This is actually why you should NOT use a "numbing" lube, even though they're commonly marketed for anal play … pain is a warning sign of potential muscle or tissue damage, so you definitely want to be fully aware of it.

I'd actually recommend buying a small dildo or butt plug, and trying it on yourself a few times before trying full anal penetration with your partner. Or, if your partner is game, practicing with a lubed-up finger is also a good way to "ease" into things, without risking pain or muscle damage … and it's a great enhancement to oral sex, for both male and female recipients!

3. Relax. Learning to relax the anal sphincter at will is the biggest thing to master at first. It can help if you "push" against the toy (or finger, or what have you) as it penetrates, because pushing encourages the sphincter muscle to open. Once a small toy or finger is no longer a challenge, relaxing enough to enjoy regular anal sex or larger anal toys shouldn't be any problem at all.

If you're still at all concerned about loss of muscle tone or control, the Kegel exercise is not only a great way for women to build greater vaginal muscle control, but it also tones your anal sphincter muscle as well. If you're not familiar with how to do a Kegel, just squeeze your pelvic muscles as though you're trying to "hold it" when you really have to pee … you'll notice your anus tightens along with everything else. A few Kegels a day, and any lingering worries about bowel control are history.

Now … as for enemas. Personally, I prefer using a small enema (also known as an anal douche) beforehand, for exactly the reason you mention. I also recommend using a condom for convenience as well as disease prevention. I even use condoms on my toys for anal play. Clean up afterward? Toss the condom, give everything a good once-over with an anti-bacterial cleaning wipe, and you're done. Unless you're playing in the shower (or you are turned on by the mess), I think "preventative hygiene" is definitely the way to go.