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An anonymous visitor submitted the following comment, in response to my answer to Average Penis Size, don't worry about it. I thought it raised some good points, and deserved a proper response:

Dear Miss Sex Advice,

You missed the mark when you told the 11 year old not to worry about
his penis size. Sure, you told him the answer every text book says. But the thing is, at his age, it's the *only* think he worries about. And with all the viagra commercials and emails around, it's no wonder.

What you didn't tell him, was that even when he gets older, penis size doesn't matter one lick. The truth is: women don't care about the size of a penis. Bigger is not necessarily better no matter what the kids in the locker room say or the hundreds of emails in the email box.

Just thought I'd write in with that little tidbit.

While I fully agree that "bigger is not necessarily better," I'm afraid I can't get behind "women don't care about the size of a penis," and I feel I'd be doing the kid who originally asked a disservice to feed him one of the oldest and most misleading lines in the book. Like I said in the first question asked on the site, women do care about penis size. I am a woman, and I have known a lot of women in my life, and almost all of us care about penis size. We're like Golidlocks and the Three Bears: some are too big, some are too small … but the good news is that most of them are well within the range of "just right". And the even better news for you guys is that every woman has a different standard of too big, too small and just right, so there's plenty of options out there for everyone.

Sure, an 11 year old boy is going to worry about whether or not he's normal size no matter what anyone says … just like I worried about whether or not I'd ever grow tits when I was 11. That part is normal, and I think the best answer for a boy worrying about his penis size is the same as the best answer for a girl worrying about her breast size: You're too young to know what size it/they will be when you grow up, and no matter what size it/they end up being, it will work out fine. Some guys really like big tits, some guys prefer small ones, and some guys don't give a good goddamn. So it goes with women and penises: Some of us like 'em big, some of us prefer smaller ones, and some women really don't care.

Q: With the variety of genital piercings, which piercings provide what stimulation for women and men, and to their partners.

Given the wide (and ever-increasing) variety of genital piercings available today, I'd have to be much more of an expert to give a detailed run-down on every single one. Instead, I've broken down popular genital piercings by general area, and given an overview of each category, followed by a link to more detailed information from one of the pioneers of body piercing in the US.

Female Genital Piercings

Clitoral Hood Piercings

Perhaps the most popular female genital piercing, a clitoral hood piercing can potentially hugely increase orgasmic response and sexual enjoyment for the wearer (but do little-to-nothing for the partner). These piercings go through the thin hood of skin over the clitoris, NOT through the clitoris itself. Probably the most common clitoral hood piercing is the VCH or Vertical Clitoral Hood, where the jewelry lies vertically (if the woman is lying on her back) underneath the hood, resting along the top of the clitoris itself, and piercing through the skin of the clitoral hood just above where it joins the base of the clitoris.

Labia Piercings

These piercings are predominantly decorative, although if they are placed alongside the vaginal opening, they can provide some additional stimulation for a male partner. Either the inner or outer labia can be pierced on most women, but inner labia piercings are more common. Labia piercings also create the possibility for kinky D/s play, where a "master" can bind his/her partner's vaginal opening with small chains, locks or other devices.

Clit Piercings

An actual piercing through the clitoris itself is almost always a bad idea. Many women do not have a large enough clitoris to safely get it pierced, and most piercers are not experienced enough with genital piercing to safely attempt such a risky placement. I once met a woman who'd recently removed her clitoris piercing … a knot of scar tissue had formed as the piercing healed, and she found herself in excruciating pain any time she came close to reaching orgasm. Removing the jewelry had not solved the problem. Now, I do not care if that only happens to 1 in 10,000 women who get a clitoris piercing. That is just NOT worth the risk to me. No siree.

Other Female Genital Piercings

There is also the "fourchette" piercing, which goes through the skin just below the vaginal opening, and some women get piercings through their perineum (the skin between the genitals and the anus). Most other female genital piercings depend on the "pinchability" of the skin in the area being pierced. If the skin is easily pinched away from the body, a piercing is more viable than if not. The stimulation provided by other piercings just depends on the sensitivity of the skin for the wearer, and the placement in relation to the vaginal opening for a male partner.

Male Genital Piercings

Penile Glans (Head) Piercings

Easily the most popular male genital piercing is the Prince Albert, where the ring enters the urethra, and the piercing exits just at the base of the underside of the glans. Other glans piercings include the ampallang, which goes horizontally through the entire head, either through or just above the urethra, and the dydoe, which goes through the ridge of the corona (at the top edge of the glans). Most penile head piercings provide a lot of extra stimulation for a female partner (too much stimulation for some women), as well as providing stimulation for the man (varying depending on the piercing location).

Penile Shaft Piercings

Penile shaft piercings are almost all surface piercings (through the skin), without actually puncturing the body of the shaft. A frenum piercing goes through the pinchable skin just below the underside of the head, and is most often worn with either a short barbell or a large ring that encircles the entire shaft just behind the head. A lorum piercing is similar, only done through the pinchable skin at the base of the penis, above the scrotum. Some men get a full "ladder" of frenum piercings along the entire underside of their penis. Basically, a man can be pierced anywhere on the the penis where the skin can be easily pinched away from the shaft itself. Some men also have surgical stainless or titanium ball bearings implanted under the skin of the shaft. Most penile shaft piercings provide a lot of stimulation for the partner (imagine using a very bumpy dildo), and the amount of stimulation for the man depends on how sensitive the skin is at the location of each piercing.

Scrotum Piercings

Probably the most solely decorative of the male genital piercings, scrotum piercings can be done almost anywhere on the scrotum, but are most commonly done either down the center (as an extension of a frenum ladder, in some cases), or off to the side, above the testicles (often in multiples). These don't provide much stimulation for either partner, unless the man wants to hang weights off them.

Other Male Genital Piercings

Any other genital piercings for a man are dependent again on the pinchability of the skin at the spot to be pierced. The guiche, a piercing just behind the scrotum, is quite popular, and some men extend their frenum ladders down the entire shaft, around the scrotum, and across the perineum. Foreskin piercings are a popular option for non-circumcised men, and provide a lot of stimulation for both partners. Piercings anywhere other than the head and shaft of the penis provide little-to-no stimulation for a female partner, and for the man it depends on the sensitivity of the skin at the piercing location.

For more detailed information on specific piercings, risks and other considerations, Elayne Angel's website has wonderfully detailed info on most genital piercings, with diagrams and photos of many of them. Click here for female genital piercing info, or here for male genital piercings. Her site also offers some referral information if you're interested in getting a genital piercing and aren't sure where to go to find a reputable piercer.

Q: i am 11 years old. What is the average size for my penis?

Seriously? Don't even worry about it yet. At your age, you're nowhere near done with puberty, and your whole body (including your penis) is going to change a lot between now and then. Give it another five or six years before you even start worrying about whether or not you're "normal" size.

Over half of adult men are between 5.5 and 6.5 inches in length, and almost all adult men are somewhere between 5 and 7 inches. But again, at your age, it will be years before you reach your adult size, so there's no reason to be fretting about it yet!

Q: I'm an anal virgin, so to speak. Can you really lose muscle control if you have lots of anal sex? It would be embarrassing to have "accidents" if you had no control. Also, is it recommended to have an enema before you engage in it? The idea of a feces covered penis isn't too arousing to me.

Both good questions … First off, if you're careful not to damage the anal sphincter muscle, you shouldn't experience any loss of bowel control no matter how much anal sex you have. Like any other muscle, the anal sphincter can be stretched and exercised to accommodate and compensate for quite a lot of activity. ;-) However, it is possible to damage the muscle if you're not taking reasonable precautions, and if the sphincter is damaged, it can lose a degree of function. So, to avoid that, just keep the following things in mind:

1. Lube is your friend. Oh yes, yes it is. You'll want to use a fairly thick lubricant that doesn't lose its "slip" too quickly (forget KY jelly … it's not fit to be used for anything but medical exams). If you're using a latex condom or latex toy, don't use an oil-based lubricant. If you're using any other sort of toy, make sure your lube is compatible with the toy material. You can test a small amount of your lube on the base of the toy, and see if there's a reaction (low grade silicone toys, for instance, can degrade when used with silicone lubricant). I personally use glycerin-based lube, but some women find glycerin can trigger yeast infections … ick! A lot of lube companies make sample-size packets, so try a few different brands out until you find one you like.

2. Take it slow. If you try to penetrate quickly, especially your first few times, it will be really uncomfortable. Stretching the sphincter muscle too fast will cause a truly unbearable burning sensation. This is actually why you should NOT use a "numbing" lube, even though they're commonly marketed for anal play … pain is a warning sign of potential muscle or tissue damage, so you definitely want to be fully aware of it.

I'd actually recommend buying a small dildo or butt plug, and trying it on yourself a few times before trying full anal penetration with your partner. Or, if your partner is game, practicing with a lubed-up finger is also a good way to "ease" into things, without risking pain or muscle damage … and it's a great enhancement to oral sex, for both male and female recipients!

3. Relax. Learning to relax the anal sphincter at will is the biggest thing to master at first. It can help if you "push" against the toy (or finger, or what have you) as it penetrates, because pushing encourages the sphincter muscle to open. Once a small toy or finger is no longer a challenge, relaxing enough to enjoy regular anal sex or larger anal toys shouldn't be any problem at all.

If you're still at all concerned about loss of muscle tone or control, the Kegel exercise is not only a great way for women to build greater vaginal muscle control, but it also tones your anal sphincter muscle as well. If you're not familiar with how to do a Kegel, just squeeze your pelvic muscles as though you're trying to "hold it" when you really have to pee … you'll notice your anus tightens along with everything else. A few Kegels a day, and any lingering worries about bowel control are history.

Now … as for enemas. Personally, I prefer using a small enema (also known as an anal douche) beforehand, for exactly the reason you mention. I also recommend using a condom for convenience as well as disease prevention. I even use condoms on my toys for anal play. Clean up afterward? Toss the condom, give everything a good once-over with an anti-bacterial cleaning wipe, and you're done. Unless you're playing in the shower (or you are turned on by the mess), I think "preventative hygiene" is definitely the way to go.

Q: During sex I usually stay quiet as a mouse- but I love when my partner talks dirty to me. I'm a little shy and I don't know what to say can you teach me or give me some hints?

Believe it or not, I completely understand where you're coming from. (Yeah, even an online know-it-all can be a little shy in real life!) While I've rarely been accused of being "quiet as a mouse," it's only fairly recently that I've felt comfortable saying anything coherent during sex …

… so I'd basically recommend working up to it step by step. Start with whatever level of noise you're comfortable with, and slowly work your way up from there:

• If you're really uncomfortable making any noise in bed, try starting with a little moaning. An "oooh" when your partner does something you like, an "MMmMMMmmmm" here and there, and maybe an "oh, Oh, OH!" when you're getting close to orgasm. If even that embarrasses you in front of your partner at first, practice while you masturbate. It'll start feeling more natural the more often you try it.

• If "Oh" isn't a problem for you, it's only a small step from there to short sentences … like "Oh GOD" or "oh YES" or "Oh god YES don't STOP", all of which are usually received pretty well. ;-)

• From there, work your way up to throwing in a naughty word here and there, "Oh YES, fuck me HARDER" or something along those lines. Once you've gotten to that stage, you should be getting the hang of it. Don't feel obligated to use words you're genuinely uncomfortable with … just add a "dirty" touch to whatever you already enjoy saying.

• If you're comfortable doing a bit of role-playing with your boyfriend, you might also try having him ask you naughty questions, and prompt you to answer by talking dirty to him …

Him: "You want me to fuck you?"
You: "Yes …" *blush*
Him: "Yes, what?"
You: "Yes … I want you to fuck me." *bluuush*

(Yeah, it looks kind of lame in print … if that doesn't do it for you though, you can of course improvise with whatever words and phrases he uses that really do turn you on!)

Dirty talk can be incredibly fun to listen to and to say, once you start getting used to it. If you already have the inclination to try it, I'm sure you'll be doing great in no time!

Q: Before i was with my current girlfriend, I'd only had sex 4 times. Any pointers for overcoming a lack of experiance? (not nessicarally "tricks" but things to consider, or things to keep in mind)

Hmm. Well, I'd say the most important thing is to pay attention to your partner. It's pretty easy to get carried away with how things feel for you, and not always notice how she's reacting to what you're doing. While you may both still be having loads of fun, there's no substitute for knowing what she really enjoys, and there's no way to learn that without paying attention! Here's a few ideas:

• What kind of noises does she make when she gets close to orgasm? (Or does she get really quiet?) Listen when you change positions and see which ones seem to excite her most. It might also be a question of tempo; does she prefer it when you speed up or slow down? (You don't have to only do her most favorite things, but it's always good to know what they are so you can use them at the right time!)

• Is she forward enough to just tell you what she likes? If so, count yourself lucky! If she blurts out something like "Oh god yes, don't stop," you can safely take that as a hint.

• Read, read, read! There may be no substitute for hands-on experience, but book learning has its place too. A straightforward, well-researched book like "Our Bodies, Ourselves" will teach you a lot of solid fundamentals about female anatomy and sexual response. As much as sex is a matter of personal preference, knowing where nerve endings are particularly concentrated and having a good idea of what a lot of other women have to say about their own sexual experiences will give you a good idea of new things to try, and a better understanding of how it all works.

• If you talk about sex (and you should!), pay attention to how she reacts to different topics. She might be shy about saying no, but you'll definitely be able to tell if she's lukewarm about something. Go with the things that really interest her, don't push the things that don't, and you'll establish trust that may lead to more adventuresome activities in the future.

• Some women enjoy pornography or erotic literature, some don't. If she's open to that sort of thing, it's a great way to explore new ideas that interest you both. Again, just pay attention to what interests her most, and what seems to leave her cold.

There are very few things in life more fun than having a sex partner who's turned on by turning you on, and the more you can do to become that kind of partner for her, the more she's likely to do to return the favor.

Q: A man's balls are very sensative to any pushing or pulling so what's the purpose of ball dividers, stretchers etc.?

First things first (for those readers not "in the know" about such toys): Ball stretchers are devices designed to fasten around the scrotum, above the testicles, forcing the testicles further away from the body. They range from relatively small cuffs to elaborate contraptions with weights hanging off them, padlocks, spikes and all sorts of other elaborations. Ball dividers are similar devices with a strap or other "divider" at the bottom end, which fastens between the testicles and separates them.

Now, "why in the hell would anyone want to do that to their poor balls" is probably the most common reaction upon a man's first sighting of either device. And it's a valid question, for the reasons you mention. Why would you want to, seemingly painfully, distort such a sensitive part of your body?

For starters, different people have different tolerance levels for physical sensation. One man might be reduced to fits of giggles by his partner attempting to stroke his testicles during oral sex … another man buys ball stretchers with lead weights hanging off them.

For people with a high tolerance for sensation, a "mild" ball stretcher likely won't even register as painful. During arousal, most folks become somewhat less sensitive to pain. If you've ever enjoyed having a partner dig their nails into your back during sex, and only the next day realized they'd left painful welts behind, you know exactly what I mean. At the time, it probably felt great!

The same effect, to a more extreme degree, is part of what lies behind all S/M play. During sexual arousal, many sensations that might otherwise register as pain just feel "really intense" (and often very good) instead. And some people actually do enjoy erotically inflicted pain as well.

For people who enjoy that sort of thing, ball stretchers and other such devices exist to cause extreme sensation in an already sensitive part of the body.

Q: What do you think are the biggest sexual misconceptions men have about women?

Ooh, that's a tough one. I very much hate to frame any answer on this site according to "men" and "women" as general groups, because there is really no generalization you can make about either group that's going to be accurate across the board, except perhaps "both men and women have a large concentration of nerve endings in their genital areas." (Even an assertion as seemingly safe as "men have penises, women have vaginas" would raise some eyebrows in the transgender community.) That said, you asked, so I'll try to come up with a somewhat useful answer, and I do love making lists, so here goes …

1. Men Who Don't "Need" Directions … Some men I have met, who were numerically much more experienced than I was, had serious gaps in their understanding of women's sexual anatomy. A major pointer: The clitoris is outside the woman's vagina. Assuming you have no problem finding the vagina: If a woman is laying on her back, the clitoris is a rather obvious "bump" perhaps an inch above the vaginal opening. It is covered by a fold of skin, right where the inner labia join together. 3Dvulva.com has a nice diagram of the area.

2. Nice Girls Don't [insert sex act here] … Give blow jobs? Have anal sex? Enjoy sex in general? This is not a solely male misconception … sadly, a lot of women believe they either won't or shouldn't enjoy certain things, without having given themselves a chance to even try them first. Often times politically-minded "socially aware" men and women are as much at risk of this one as more stereotypically repressed religious folks. However, I have plenty of "nice" female friends who very much enjoy all sorts of sex acts. It can't hurt to ask, or suggest, something you'd like to try with your partner. (And if she leaves you for even suggesting it, well, perhaps she's not really the girl for you?)

3. Women Need Someone to Take Charge in the Bedroom … Well sure, some of us like that. Some of us don't. Some of us like that sometimes, and not other times. And some of us might like it very much, but only from men who don't go around making ridiculous overly-dominant assumptions about it beforehand. Not every girl wants to be swept off her feet and carried to Prince Charming's castle. Some of us would just as soon follow on our own horse, in case we decide we'd like to leave afterward. And we most assuredly do NOT "just need the right man to show us our place."

4. Women are naturally monogamous … This assumption is often backed up by a pseudo-scientific speech about cavemen, and how men "need" to spread their genetic material as far and wide as possible, while a woman will naturally try to attract and "keep" one man who can support and protect her and her offspring. This is crap. I personally like to think of monogamy as being a variable, individual thing, rather like the popular conception of hetero- and homo-sexuality being two points at opposite ends of a continuum of sexual preference. There are people (both men and women) who are like swans: pair bonded until death do they part. There are people (both men and women) who are like bonobos: Anything goes with anyone you like, whenever, where-ever, whatever. There are people who like one partner at a time, but not for very long. And people who like multiple partners as a "bonus" sort of thing to enjoy with their primary partner … and so on, and so forth.

5. If You "Keep it Up" Long Enough She Will Come … No, she very well may not. A woman not having an orgasm does not necessarily mean you're not big enough, or didn't last long enough. It may very well mean you need to go up and revisit item #1 on this list, and develop your technique beyond "in and out and in and out" though… I once knew a woman who claimed to have dozens of orgasms every time she had sex. I thought perhaps she didn't know what an orgasm was (or maybe that her boyfriend was Superman), until I talked to one of her former partners, who verified that she did indeed "seem like she had an orgasm every minute or so." So yes, some women are lucky enough to be able to orgasm from their partner's pelvic thrusting alone, but it's generally not the norm. My advice? Skip the Viagra and get creative.

Q: Why i have that current dream of having sex with differente people?

Ahh, yes. Sex dreams. There are the ones where you wish you hadn't woken up just quite when you did … and then there are the ones that wake you up a little panicked, wondering, "What in the HELL did I just dream of doing to HIM?! AAAAHHHHH!!!!"

As far as I know, nobody has figured out definitively how to tell what people's dreams mean, whether they're about sex or not. I've had dreams where a sex partner starts out looking like one person, then suddenly appears in another person's body halfway through, and ends up a completely different person again when we're laying in bed smoking afterward. If that's not "different people," I don't know what is! Other friends who've told me about dreams of theirs … well, suffice to say I didn't feel so weird anymore after hearing them. lol!

There doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason to most people's sex dreams … Now, I'm not sure if you're saying you're having dreams about multiple people at once, or different people other than your current partner, but either way, I'm quite confident in saying there's nothing particularly abnormal about it. I'm also quite confident in saying I don't think anyone could tell you exactly why you dream what you do. Dreams rarely make much sense, and in my experience sex dreams often make the least sense of all!

Q: Does size really matter?

As this question appears on pretty much every sex Q&A column I've ever read, it seems fitting it would be our first query here at Things You Can't Ask Mom. And the answer is, yes, it absolutely does. Of course it does! Men come in all different sizes, right? Well, newsflash folks: so do women. I fail to see where anyone gets off saying "no, size doesn't matter" … unless they're just not very experienced, or they have the vaginal muscle control of an advanced tantric master.

Yes, almost any woman can both give birth and keep a tampon in place inside her vagina, amazingly elastic, versatile things that they are. However, childbirth is not something most women would choose to do recreationally, and tampons are so small as to become unnoticeable to most women within a few seconds after insertion … neither of these extremes is something you want your penis compared to, I'd think.

But here's the deal: there is a great deal of latitude in the size range within which a penis will be perfectly capable of satisfying most women. Bigger is NOT always better. While I do I know one woman who dated a man with a 12" cock and said it was the most wonderful thing she'd ever had, that very same man, years later, dated another female acquaintance, and was physically unable to penetrate her more than half way. I have personally been with men with whom certain otherwise favorite positions were tragically off limits because it felt like they were trying to play billiards with my ovaries: not pleasant at all. Then there are some women who enjoy having their cervix bumped during sex, and other women who are so sensitive they'd rather be with a man who can't penetrate them fully.

In a way, men on the smaller end of the scale are actually the luckier ones. Even a very small man with an open minded partner might find that a combination of toys, anal sex and creative positions more than makes up for less-than-earth-shaking vaginal penetration. In my own experience, a smaller partner can accomplish great things with a combination of stamina and mutual flexibility! (Maybe someone should start couples yoga classes especially for 'petite' men and their partners?) A man who's partner can't fully accommodate him, on the other hand, is pretty much either stuck with never being able to stick it all the way in, or with finding another woman.

So, in short, yes. Size matters. But different sizes matter differently to different women, for different reasons. Looking at my ruler right now, I'm estimating a good 4" range between the lower and upper end of men who had no particular problem getting me off … the lower end involved a bit more acrobatics, and the upper end had to forgo doggie-style, but that still leaves a lot to be done in both cases. I'm wagering the vast majority of men aren't going to have much problem finding a woman who's personal size preferences are a perfect match.